Making Peace, Making Space
A reflection on the science and humanity of moving forward
By Donna Tulloch | Pulse by DNK
For many years, I believed resilience meant pushing through.
Keep going. Stay strong. Move forward.
It took time, lived experience, and deeper learning to realize that genuine forward movement often begins in much quieter ways. In my own life and in my work with leaders, teams, and women navigating transition, I have learned that peace rarely comes from forgetting the past. For many of us, peace comes from understanding it.
This is not therapy and it is not a formula.
It is simply what I have observed in human behaviour, in neuroscience research, and in my own journey as a trauma survivor.
When we meet our story with honesty and compassion, something inside us shifts. Energy that once felt blocked begins tomove. Clarity returns. Our choices become more intentional. We start leading and living from a steadier place.
The Leadership Cost of Unfinished Stories
Human behaviour research has consistently shown that unexamined experiences can influence present decisions, reactions, and relationships. The brain stores emotional memories in networks that can remain active long after the moment has passed.
When these experiences are not understood or integrated, they often show up in familiar ways:
• reactive communication
• difficulty separating past fear from present risk
• avoidance of necessary conversations
• leadership patterns that repeat without explanation
I have seen this in myself and in the leaders I work with. When we begin to understand what shaped us, we interrupt automatic patterns. We slow down the emotional reflex and make space for intention. This alone can completely change how we lead.
What Remembering Can Look Like
Making peace with the past is not the same as revisiting it. It is not about reliving painful stories.
It is a gentle process of understanding what those moments taught us, how they shaped our perception of safety, and what they still ask of us today.
Research on narrative identity suggests that when we revisit our experience with perspective, we reorganize the meaning.
In my life, remembering with compassion helped me reclaim parts of myself I had disconnected from. It also helped me strengthen my ability to respond thoughtfully instead of reactively.
For leaders, this type of reflection supports emotional regulation and clearer communication. For individuals, it opens space for self-trust, confidence, and calm.
The Constructive Role of Regret
Regret often feels heavy, but it can serve an important cognitive purpose.
Studies in behavioural science show that regret, when approached with curiosity, supports learning and better decision-making.
For me, the shift came when I stopped asking “why did I do that?” and started asking “what did I learn because of it?”
This reframing softened shame and strengthened insight. It aligned with a key emotional regulation strategy known as reappraisal, which helps the brain reinterpret experiences in a way that reduces emotional intensity and promotes growth.
Regret does not have to keep us stuck. It can point us toward what we know now and how we want to show up next.
Self-Compassion as a Professional Advantage
Self-compassion is foundational for psychological resilience. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff and others shows that when we treat ourselves with understanding instead of criticism, the body shifts into a calmer physiological state. This increases emotional capacity,reduces burnout risk, and supports stronger leadership communication.
In my own experience, replacing internal pressure with internal understanding helped me lead more effectively and make decisions from a place of clarity rather than fear. It strengthened my ability to hold space for others, especially during periods of uncertainty.
Leaders who practice self-compassion often create more safety for their teams, and teams who feel safe, perform better.
Healing and Growth in Layers
Healing does not unfold in a straight line.
In trauma-informed research, integration is understood as a layered process. Safety, pacing, and self-awareness are essential.
Books like The Courage to Heal helped me recognize that acknowledging our story is often the first step. That recognition is what creates room for healing to occur at all. It is a process that requires patience, support, and compassion toward ourselves. I have seen this in individuals and organizations.
Growth that is forced rarely lasts. Growth that is paced becomes sustainable.
Making Space for What Comes Next
As I learned to understand and gently integrate parts of my story, Inoticed significant shifts in my thinking and my leadership.
My mind became clearer.
My relationships became steadier.
My ability to lead from presence rather than pressure strengthened.
Organizational psychology describes this as the process of integration: reclaiming the energy that was held in resistance and redirecting it toward clarity, creativity, and connection.
This is what “making space” means to me.
It is not letting go of the past.
It is loosening its hold so we can step into the next chapter with steadiness, purpose, and possibility.
A Gentle Note
If you have lived through trauma, loss, or overwhelming experiences, please know that your pace is valid.
This reflection is not meant to invite you into anything you are not ready for.
It is simply an exploration of what has supported my personal growth and the growth of the leaders and teams I work with.
Healing and integration unfold differently for everyone.
Your journey deserves time, honour, and care.
A Closing Reflection
I have learned that peace is not the absence of what happened.
It is the understanding of it.
And once we make peace, even gradually, we create space for who we are becoming.
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